True to form, I can now attest to the fact that I react a minimum of 24 to 48 hours after an incident.
This time however...it's a whole 5 days.
5 days ago was April 15th. It has been 1 year and 5 days since Felix, my husband, died. I remember having mixed feelings about this date. I was waiting for it, but dreading it at the same time. The entire week leading up to this point is sort of a blur. I remember getting very drunk at one point. I remember not being able to eat or sleep. I remember not being able to think straight.
On the Friday (April 15), There was an intimate non-formal memorial by the lake in Rolle, where we had scattered Felix's ashes. Then we had dinner at Felix's favourite Chinese resto in Nyon.
Again, I remember crying, I remember apologizing to him over and over again. I also remember feeling really hungry, tired and thirsty after I stopped crying. I slept for 14 hours all 3 days. I honestly thought..."That's it!, the hard part is done!"
I have a really funny feeling that this is not the case. It feels like I am right back there again. I feel sad, although it's sort of manageable. But again, I'm not hungry - in fact I'm sick to my stomach, I'm confused and overwhelmed all over again. I don't know what it is that I'm doing. And most frustratingly...I don't understand why I feel this way.
Why do I feel like my world is ending all over again? Like I am free falling into a never ending abyss of darkness. What's worse, it feels like it will never stop. I will always be lost and broken in someway.
I just want it to stop. so much. I really don't know how...except keep breathing.
This time however...it's a whole 5 days.
5 days ago was April 15th. It has been 1 year and 5 days since Felix, my husband, died. I remember having mixed feelings about this date. I was waiting for it, but dreading it at the same time. The entire week leading up to this point is sort of a blur. I remember getting very drunk at one point. I remember not being able to eat or sleep. I remember not being able to think straight.
On the Friday (April 15), There was an intimate non-formal memorial by the lake in Rolle, where we had scattered Felix's ashes. Then we had dinner at Felix's favourite Chinese resto in Nyon.
Again, I remember crying, I remember apologizing to him over and over again. I also remember feeling really hungry, tired and thirsty after I stopped crying. I slept for 14 hours all 3 days. I honestly thought..."That's it!, the hard part is done!"
I have a really funny feeling that this is not the case. It feels like I am right back there again. I feel sad, although it's sort of manageable. But again, I'm not hungry - in fact I'm sick to my stomach, I'm confused and overwhelmed all over again. I don't know what it is that I'm doing. And most frustratingly...I don't understand why I feel this way.
Why do I feel like my world is ending all over again? Like I am free falling into a never ending abyss of darkness. What's worse, it feels like it will never stop. I will always be lost and broken in someway.
I just want it to stop. so much. I really don't know how...except keep breathing.
