April 16th 2015

I was in my in-law's house. I hadn't slept all night. I just couldn't stop shivering...my mother-in-law held me all night and stood outside the bathroom whenever I went..to be sure I wasn't about to do something stupid.

I couldn't stop showering. I needed the warm water.

Inspector Genet had handed me a piece of paper "The steps to take when someone dies"

"Please eat something my dear"....I knew if I ate..I wouldn't be able to function.

I sent an email to my manager. "Dear A, I will not be coming in today due to unforeseen personal circumstances, Thank you"

I then got a whatsapp from A..."is everything okay?" I decided to call him...he needed to know.

"Hi A, I'm sorry, I can't come in today"

"Okay N, is everything okay?"

"No, Felix had a dive accident, he passed away yesterday"

Silence........silence.......silence.....

"Sorry, let me get this straight...are you telling me Felix has died?..."

"yes"

Silence...............................

"N, I am so sorry......I ....have no words. I don't want you to worry about work...I will handle it all. Just tell me what you need. whatever it is..."

"Thanks A, it means a lot to me. I don't know what I need.....I'll let you know when I figure it out"

I called Clo, I called N, I called P, I called K

In a way, I ended a part of their world where a version of me existed.

N was the witness. She witnessed me becoming a widow. She saw it all....from the first time we met at the age of 15, till when I met Felix, she came for the wedding and she was there for the funeral. She is the one that has seen all the sides of me that NO ONE else has seen. She held me while I screamed uncontrollably in her arms and she is the one that looked at me and said "you are a strong woman, you have always been the strongest person I know, I know...I KNOW you will get through this"

My father-in-law had called the funeral service. A very weird man walked in...honestly who wouldn't be weird doing this job.

We filled out a couple of forms. He asked " what did he want?" Guppy always wanted to be cremated and his ashes scattered in the water - this is where he belonged. I always said to him " I think you were actually supposed to be a fish...and then your maker sneezed and turned you human by mistake..." He had always dreamed of the day that science would go far enough to give him gills.

Then he said "this is the hard part" He handed me an album...I opened it. photos of coffins...

The outer body experience started..

We picked out a light coloured simple wooden coffin - he would never have wanted anything fancy...not his style. MIL (mother-in-law) picked out a sheet from her cupboard for the lining...she didn't like the frilly stuff. Then I chose the urn that I was going to borrow for his ashes. All this time, I was thinking "this cannot be happening...this is not my life"

I was picking out a coffin for my 31 year old husband for ffs!!!!! I kept waiting for someone to yell "CUT!" or..."you have been punked!"

Any moment now....he would walk through the door...it would all be a mistake. Then he said " I have one more hard thing for you to do"...

"Well what is it?"

"I need you to pick out what he will wear"

Up until this point, I still hadn't been back to the apartment. Not yet.. I took a deep breath and said.."let's go"

Accompanied by an army of family, I headed up. I remember feeling sicker the closer I got. I got into the lift, hit my floor number and the ride seemed to take forever. The door opened and the first thing I saw was a bouquet of the most gorgeous white flowers I had ever seen. A really didn't waste time.. "We are all thinking of you, you are loved...we are so sorry for your loss" My first condolence card / flowers came from my company. I remember feeling angry...thinking "you could have waited a while." I can't deal with white flowers anymore...they are banned.

I opened the door shaking... it was all untouched. His used mug was still there..still had tea in it. I went into our room, everything was still the same. I didn't cry. We picked out his cargo pants and one of his "slogan" T's...he loved those. His smell was still there...on his pillow.

Oh..The Dreaded Christmas Thing..

It is so close...and I am dreading it. I didn't grow up with the Xmas thing being Hindu...it was just another day and was used as an excuse to party with my friends as a teen. So I am not actually dreading Xmas itself.

I was married to a man who LOVED Xmas. More than birthdays...more than diving! It is the same every year..on the 24th Felix and I would log into WOW and do all the Xmas quests and pig out on cookies for a minimum of 4 hours...that's a lot of gaming. Then he would join his family for evening mass, I never went because the service was in German so...not understanding anything was more the problem. I would then join them for dinner.

The fireplace would be lit, the tree had candles to be lit, the entire place would be decorated. Presents under the tree in separate piles per person and home-made  cookies...lots and lots of them. After champagne , we would sing some carols (badly) while my FIL played the very old sometimes out of tune piano. Then we would open the presents...this was just the moment!!!

After what felt like a ton of cookies, we would have dinner..always the same...vol-au-vent. Absolutely delicious! and then board games. As a tradition, my FIL would always buy the board game of the year which we would attempt to decipher and then play after dinner. Felix was always in charge of learning the game..and then teaching it..Funnily we always played it wrong on the first try..ALWAYS without fail. Then give up.

The next day we would have a champagne brunch...again it was just..the moment!!!! The table would be laden with smoked salmon, soft boiled eggs, brioche, salted margarine, cold-cuts. Everyone had their half a grape-fruit and their egg cooked to specification. It really was.. a moment of heaven on earth. I am ever so grateful that I was able to see this side of xmas..what its supposed to be. Then, we would spend all day - the whole family -  drinking tea, tinkering with our presents and then attempt 2 ....then 3 of the board-game. In the evening , dad would make his famous "rinderbraten". This was roasted joint of beef with potato dumplings and red cabbage. Felix waited for this all year around...he loved food. This was xmas.

Last year, I really wanted to make it special for him as he was forced to work on xmas day. I spent all day decorating ..honestly...a bit of an overkill. It looked like Santa had thrown up in our apartment. I still remember his face when he walked in...he was so tired...and then all that fatigue just vanished...his exact words were..."Winter wonderland!!!" Living in the mountains meant a heck of a lot of snow outside...so it was quite perfect. I bought cookies and tried to kind of re-create what he had at his parents...with ALOT more sparkles..haha. I joined this time for evening mass, to show support..I wanted to be fully part of this world...his world. Funny the little things you remember...The service was beautiful, but what stuck is that he went to get roasted chestnuts for me..He kept sneaking them to me in the middle of service. I remember thinking...how did I get so lucky...I have a walking talking vending machine FOREVER..

This year, I want nothing more than to vanish..temporarily maybe..but still erase myself for a little while....because I honestly don't know how to stop crying....how to stop feeling it ... all of it...The sadness is unbearable and exhausting. It's too hard to do this xmas thing without him. ...but I need to do it for him...for them. I will love you forever...

To M

Hi Sweety,

For your eyes only :

I just want you to know...I think you are so much stronger than I am. Quite honestly, I don't know how you got through your broken heart. You know how they say.. " you don't know until you have experienced it yourself".

I can now honestly say that I have gone through it and unfortunately, still going through it. There is this insurmountable vacuum right inside my chest and I realize just how much I had forgotten about the things that I love..the things that make me happy..without Felix. I made him...more or less my everything ..my world revolved around him.

I now realize that this was such a big mistake...because...I don't know how to fill that void. Had I been emotionally more independent and not given up the things that I love...singing, going out, friends blabla..maybe I would be better off now..Maybe I wouldn't be crumbling everytime I am alone.

I am so afraid to lose control over this "pillar" person..yet lately the more I try to keep it together, the more I seem to fail. I want so much to get back some semblance of a normal life..my normal self and so so so afraid that I have fundamentally changed as a person...for the worst.

My biggest fear is that I have become a needy mess...that I am no longer that "care-free" person. Instead of accepting that I have no control..what seems to be happening is that I am fighting more than ever to gain control...control over my mind. The harder I try..the more I fail.

I feel trapped by my own mind. It's like quicksand all over again..the feeling I had in the beginning. I don't want to turn out like A...crying in a corner every night. And I don't want to turn out like this other girl that D told me about...her husband left her and she became extremely compulsive...

I feel as though I am turning into all of these things. The restlessness keeps building inside me and it feels like any moment, I am about to explode and I will never be able to put the pieces back together unless I leave, change my name and literally become a new person...

I miss him so much..that goes without saying...The problem is..I miss the feeling more..that feeling of being in love. That everything is worth it because you have that one person next to you who is holding your hand all the way. I miss the illusion of the "forever" thing.

I am honestly...so impressed by you..how you have dealt with your "grief"...I just wish I could be more like you and not give my head space so easily..I wish I could just....turn off all these emotions  because they are killing me.

I know this is heavy..don't freak out...I am just trying to get it out of my system.

I love you and I am so so so proud of you.

Di

The Looks

1) Pity - I HATE THIS ONE. It's the one that people give you when they know.... All the questions they want to ask but don't dare to are in their eyes - clear as day.

They cock their heads to one side with a look of concern and then ask "How are you?". I reply " I am fine" all the while thinking "How the hell do you think I am?!...don't ask stupid questions!"

I cannot begin to count the number of times I have replied " I am fine." What does it really mean?...

2) Blank - the one when they find out for the first time...look at you and then short circuit.

3) Avoidance - The one where they quickly apologise and then move onto the next subject.

I am sure there are many more to come...but in some strange way, it's almost fun to watch the cogs turning in their pretty little heads. Throwing a monkey wrench in makes the show more fun...

4) The one that knows -  - the one that comes from those who know exactly what I'm going through. It is transparent. There are no questions, there are no lies, no false hopes no empty promises. Just... "I know"

The stupid things people say...

At the memorial service less than a week after Felix died:

1) Oh my God, you are so young. Don't worry, you will find someone else...

This was when my FIL (Father-in-law) and BIL (brother-in-law) were standing either side of me. Here I am thinking..."Someone else?...as in a replacement?...else?!!!!!!!"

2) "I wish you all the courage and strength, I know it will be hard now that you are alone". I said to this woman " I am not alone, I have my family, my friends. I have a lot of work " She then replies with "Don't be mistakened ...you are alone. You are COMPLETELY alone in this - do not forget this, you will need all the courage"

My thoughts "Gee..thanks...how about I hand you a bat and you can beat it into me better..."

3) When an ex colleague of mine came to give his condolences...he does have a social disorder of some kind..I was fully aware of this. No matter which mood he is in, he always has a smile on his face. And talks very slowly..in a sing-song voice...the one which reminds you of Hannible - "Fava beans and a glass of Chianti"

 "Oh N, I am so sorry for your loss,  I was walking down the road and bumped into M - she told me everything. I really liked Felix"

"Thank you D, I liked him too, and I am sorry too..."

Then he cocked his head to the side, looked straight at me , with the most innocent smile on his face and the sing-song voice he said "He drowned ....didn't he?"

M shot a look at me from her desk...I think she half expected me to lunge at him and strangle him right then and there. Weirdly enough ...I cocked my head too, looked straight at him and in my sing-song voice said "No D, he didn't drown....he just stopped being. We don't know what happened. He just happened to be in the water. They can't find anything..."

For some reason I remembered that you must imitate the person to make them feel comfortable. D then said "Oh N, I am so very sorry"

"Me too D"

4) We I have two cats. At our local pet store where we would buy cat food and stuff, the sales ladies found out about Felix. I was buying stuff when she said "Where is he buried?"

"Uh...excuse me?...."
"Your husband, he died didn't he? - where is he buried?"

"Well, he was cremated and his ashes were spread in Rolle, I had to give back the urn...do you want the address of the lake?!"

No hello, no sorry, nothing..just "where is he buried?"

5) The first call I accepted from a family member:

" N, you need to be strong...this is God's will, he wanted it this way, this is God's will, this was supposed to happen"

I cried "please don't say that...are you telling me that it's God's will to take a husband, a son, a brother away from this family?"

6) "C'est la vie, deal with it. there is nothing else you can do"

"I know GODDAMIT! Just shut up! "shutupshutupshutup!

The Danger Thing...

This is a difficult one to explain...

I can't stop shivering sometimes...but not visibly... just...inside. You know where the butterflies come when you are in love? The same thing happens...but it feels like being cold on the inside.

"Fight or flight I guess..." So far I am fighting..EVERY DAMN DAY with the side of me that says..oh just book a flight..and go..

where? - WHEREVER no one knows me.

And then? - And then we'll see.

It feels like I am constantly in danger. I'm looking over my shoulder. I keep taking deep breaths (this has become a normal part of my day...deep breaths all the time)

I can't sit still except for work...or when I'm writing. I have nothing to do - I need to move...to do something..ANYTHING.

I don't want to come "home". I don't feel like I have a home anymore. It is ...shelter....with internet.

Then I read..I read and read and read about how much worse it could be.

I could have been in a warzone. I could be a refugee grieving for Felix. So many husbands have been lost like this.

And then the danger +  guilt kicks in. Guilt for feeling angry for not feeling grateful that I still have all of this .

The knowledge that "it could be a lot worse" is seriously the most depressing thing to realise.

I don't have the right to feel this way do I?

No pain is ever the same as another..even if it is the "sameish situation"...My pain will never be the same as another woman or man who has gone through the same thing.

I just can't stop feeling like I need to "escape".....

The Memory Dam

This one kills. Especially if, like me, you put a mental dam up. It starts ever so slowly.

First its a little spot in your head. You can't deal with it now because you need to function. So ... you put it to the side until you have "the time" to deal. You keep adding to that spot until it become a ball...and then bigger.  When it gets a bit too big.. you put it in a drawer...and you close it. 1 drawer becomes 2 , then 4..and then multiplies until its a chest of drawers....then two chests...and four..and then what feels like a million later..your back is against it all pushing hard...while your feet start slipping.

All it takes is that one trigger. All you can do is brace yourself..stand still and let it play out like a flashback film. 10 years of memories railroad your brain like a freight train in less than 2 minutes.

It kills. It kills the dam, tears down all the walls and I am forced to feel it all. The last feeling is still anger...before the dam is emptied..

Anger that I was robbed of the life that I was meant to have..that I had fought so hard to achieve..that I truly believe that I deserved. I know it sounds entitled and incredibly selfish...that it could be a lot worse...but I'm still angry..and I still feel betrayed.

I still feel that something or someone is "out to get me" To break me and I refuse to break. I cannot make the difference between being strong...and being hostile. In the attempts of "not being the victim", I attack . I see every comment or suggestion as a manipulation to get me to do something that I don't want to...

The last thoughts before the walls start coming back up are " I will not break, you cannot touch me, I am invincible, you are not allowed in here"...

The Mental Onslaught...

Sometimes, there is so much going on in my head that I really don't know where to start.. This is one of those times.

I'm sitting here , I have about a billion things to do, I know it's piling up...but because of where my head is at (wherever that may be) I am completely paralysed. I can't think straight. A million "breathe ins and breathe outs " simply isn't doing the trick. I think I need to write per topic..

1 - The Identity Crisis

Who am I. I used to be able to answer this question with such ease. I can answer Who WAS I...but not who AM I. Logically...this is probably the biggest issue. Not knowing you ARE in the present creates a bucket load of self esteem issues. The lack of self-esteem will seep into everything...as much as you want it not to.

The problem is...I didn't realise that I was identifying myself according to how other's viewed me.... I WAS..an amazing wife. I WAS a good daughter in law. I am trying to be a good daughter, a good sister, a good friend. These are the labels that I have identified with...

At the core...I am first N...right now I have absolutely no Idea what this means. Am I still funny?, Am I still confident (seriously wavering on this one)? Am I still sexy?  Am I still rebellious, passionate, strong headed? I have so many doubts as to what makes me ...me. The only thing I do know....is that I'm confused..all the time.

I have been so used to taking control and "making things happen" and "getting the job done" that I don't know how to let go anymore. Another identity....the control freak..

At least what happened should have taught me that I actually have no control. In the end...I am powerless. The only control I do have is over my own actions, my own body and my own mind. Lately though...my mind has taken control over me.

The Void

Losing Felix was / is devastating...this is obvious. I miss him..this is also obvious. More than missing him (the physical self) I miss what we had. He, in the physical sense, is now irrelevant. What we had is what I miss..and is probably what I am craving for.

 -  The trust - not just loyalty..but the trust that when I jump, he jumped in with me. When I got angry, or went off in a huff..or exploded - he didn't bail. He reassured me. When he said "he will do that", he followed through. 

 - The no judgement - I could do or say anything I wanted to and he never used it against me. He never judged me for it. Even if I was wrong sometimes...he would still be on my side.

 - The unconditional love - The "ends of the earth" thing...

 - The intimacy - Not the sex thing...but the touch, hugs, cuddles, holding my hand...saying "I love you"..hearing "I love you" SHOWING "I love you". The kiss on my forehead when I'm sleeping to try and wake me up.

 - The Security - emotional, physical

 - Walk of life - The one who would walk with you side by side through life. through anything with you.

 - Friendship - I miss having a best friend...I miss my best friend. This is it...this is where the pain becomes unbearable...I miss my best friend . It's not the same as a girlfriend. I cannot describe this bond...

The Abandonment -  Speaks for itself

The alone thing  - I suck at it. Will I be alone forever...because quite literally...its what it feels like.

The lack of control - when the hell did I become such a control freak? WHEN?! I was so not like this before....quite carefree and "it'll sort out one way or another"...I want to be this way again.

The "last link" pressure - Being the last "true" link to Felix in terms of who he was as a person...is just too much pressure. Telling me that I need to be "Felix and NCK" to my people...telling me that I am now their "son" and "daughter"....NO ...JUST NO NO NO NO NO. All I want to do when I hear that...IS RUN THE OTHER WAY. The instant shutdown begins.

The need to restart (disappear). I have used the word "restart" and system default factory settings, closing the book. All if which require finality first. I really wish there was a simple button you could hit...