It is so close...and I am dreading it. I didn't grow up with the Xmas thing being Hindu...it was just another day and was used as an excuse to party with my friends as a teen. So I am not actually dreading Xmas itself.
I was married to a man who LOVED Xmas. More than birthdays...more than diving! It is the same every year..on the 24th Felix and I would log into WOW and do all the Xmas quests and pig out on cookies for a minimum of 4 hours...that's a lot of gaming. Then he would join his family for evening mass, I never went because the service was in German so...not understanding anything was more the problem. I would then join them for dinner.
The fireplace would be lit, the tree had candles to be lit, the entire place would be decorated. Presents under the tree in separate piles per person and home-made cookies...lots and lots of them. After champagne , we would sing some carols (badly) while my FIL played the very old sometimes out of tune piano. Then we would open the presents...this was just the moment!!!
After what felt like a ton of cookies, we would have dinner..always the same...vol-au-vent. Absolutely delicious! and then board games. As a tradition, my FIL would always buy the board game of the year which we would attempt to decipher and then play after dinner. Felix was always in charge of learning the game..and then teaching it..Funnily we always played it wrong on the first try..ALWAYS without fail. Then give up.
The next day we would have a champagne brunch...again it was just..the moment!!!! The table would be laden with smoked salmon, soft boiled eggs, brioche, salted margarine, cold-cuts. Everyone had their half a grape-fruit and their egg cooked to specification. It really was.. a moment of heaven on earth. I am ever so grateful that I was able to see this side of xmas..what its supposed to be. Then, we would spend all day - the whole family - drinking tea, tinkering with our presents and then attempt 2 ....then 3 of the board-game. In the evening , dad would make his famous "rinderbraten". This was roasted joint of beef with potato dumplings and red cabbage. Felix waited for this all year around...he loved food. This was xmas.
Last year, I really wanted to make it special for him as he was forced to work on xmas day. I spent all day decorating ..honestly...a bit of an overkill. It looked like Santa had thrown up in our apartment. I still remember his face when he walked in...he was so tired...and then all that fatigue just vanished...his exact words were..."Winter wonderland!!!" Living in the mountains meant a heck of a lot of snow outside...so it was quite perfect. I bought cookies and tried to kind of re-create what he had at his parents...with ALOT more sparkles..haha. I joined this time for evening mass, to show support..I wanted to be fully part of this world...his world. Funny the little things you remember...The service was beautiful, but what stuck is that he went to get roasted chestnuts for me..He kept sneaking them to me in the middle of service. I remember thinking...how did I get so lucky...I have a walking talking vending machine FOREVER..
This year, I want nothing more than to vanish..temporarily maybe..but still erase myself for a little while....because I honestly don't know how to stop crying....how to stop feeling it ... all of it...The sadness is unbearable and exhausting. It's too hard to do this xmas thing without him. ...but I need to do it for him...for them. I will love you forever...
I was married to a man who LOVED Xmas. More than birthdays...more than diving! It is the same every year..on the 24th Felix and I would log into WOW and do all the Xmas quests and pig out on cookies for a minimum of 4 hours...that's a lot of gaming. Then he would join his family for evening mass, I never went because the service was in German so...not understanding anything was more the problem. I would then join them for dinner.
The fireplace would be lit, the tree had candles to be lit, the entire place would be decorated. Presents under the tree in separate piles per person and home-made cookies...lots and lots of them. After champagne , we would sing some carols (badly) while my FIL played the very old sometimes out of tune piano. Then we would open the presents...this was just the moment!!!
After what felt like a ton of cookies, we would have dinner..always the same...vol-au-vent. Absolutely delicious! and then board games. As a tradition, my FIL would always buy the board game of the year which we would attempt to decipher and then play after dinner. Felix was always in charge of learning the game..and then teaching it..Funnily we always played it wrong on the first try..ALWAYS without fail. Then give up.
The next day we would have a champagne brunch...again it was just..the moment!!!! The table would be laden with smoked salmon, soft boiled eggs, brioche, salted margarine, cold-cuts. Everyone had their half a grape-fruit and their egg cooked to specification. It really was.. a moment of heaven on earth. I am ever so grateful that I was able to see this side of xmas..what its supposed to be. Then, we would spend all day - the whole family - drinking tea, tinkering with our presents and then attempt 2 ....then 3 of the board-game. In the evening , dad would make his famous "rinderbraten". This was roasted joint of beef with potato dumplings and red cabbage. Felix waited for this all year around...he loved food. This was xmas.
Last year, I really wanted to make it special for him as he was forced to work on xmas day. I spent all day decorating ..honestly...a bit of an overkill. It looked like Santa had thrown up in our apartment. I still remember his face when he walked in...he was so tired...and then all that fatigue just vanished...his exact words were..."Winter wonderland!!!" Living in the mountains meant a heck of a lot of snow outside...so it was quite perfect. I bought cookies and tried to kind of re-create what he had at his parents...with ALOT more sparkles..haha. I joined this time for evening mass, to show support..I wanted to be fully part of this world...his world. Funny the little things you remember...The service was beautiful, but what stuck is that he went to get roasted chestnuts for me..He kept sneaking them to me in the middle of service. I remember thinking...how did I get so lucky...I have a walking talking vending machine FOREVER..
This year, I want nothing more than to vanish..temporarily maybe..but still erase myself for a little while....because I honestly don't know how to stop crying....how to stop feeling it ... all of it...The sadness is unbearable and exhausting. It's too hard to do this xmas thing without him. ...but I need to do it for him...for them. I will love you forever...
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