To M

Hi Sweety,

For your eyes only :

I just want you to know...I think you are so much stronger than I am. Quite honestly, I don't know how you got through your broken heart. You know how they say.. " you don't know until you have experienced it yourself".

I can now honestly say that I have gone through it and unfortunately, still going through it. There is this insurmountable vacuum right inside my chest and I realize just how much I had forgotten about the things that I love..the things that make me happy..without Felix. I made him...more or less my everything ..my world revolved around him.

I now realize that this was such a big mistake...because...I don't know how to fill that void. Had I been emotionally more independent and not given up the things that I love...singing, going out, friends blabla..maybe I would be better off now..Maybe I wouldn't be crumbling everytime I am alone.

I am so afraid to lose control over this "pillar" person..yet lately the more I try to keep it together, the more I seem to fail. I want so much to get back some semblance of a normal life..my normal self and so so so afraid that I have fundamentally changed as a person...for the worst.

My biggest fear is that I have become a needy mess...that I am no longer that "care-free" person. Instead of accepting that I have no control..what seems to be happening is that I am fighting more than ever to gain control...control over my mind. The harder I try..the more I fail.

I feel trapped by my own mind. It's like quicksand all over again..the feeling I had in the beginning. I don't want to turn out like A...crying in a corner every night. And I don't want to turn out like this other girl that D told me about...her husband left her and she became extremely compulsive...

I feel as though I am turning into all of these things. The restlessness keeps building inside me and it feels like any moment, I am about to explode and I will never be able to put the pieces back together unless I leave, change my name and literally become a new person...

I miss him so much..that goes without saying...The problem is..I miss the feeling more..that feeling of being in love. That everything is worth it because you have that one person next to you who is holding your hand all the way. I miss the illusion of the "forever" thing.

I am honestly...so impressed by you..how you have dealt with your "grief"...I just wish I could be more like you and not give my head space so easily..I wish I could just....turn off all these emotions  because they are killing me.

I know this is heavy..don't freak out...I am just trying to get it out of my system.

I love you and I am so so so proud of you.

Di