This one kills. Especially if, like me, you put a mental dam up. It starts ever so slowly.
First its a little spot in your head. You can't deal with it now because you need to function. So ... you put it to the side until you have "the time" to deal. You keep adding to that spot until it become a ball...and then bigger. When it gets a bit too big.. you put it in a drawer...and you close it. 1 drawer becomes 2 , then 4..and then multiplies until its a chest of drawers....then two chests...and four..and then what feels like a million later..your back is against it all pushing hard...while your feet start slipping.
All it takes is that one trigger. All you can do is brace yourself..stand still and let it play out like a flashback film. 10 years of memories railroad your brain like a freight train in less than 2 minutes.
It kills. It kills the dam, tears down all the walls and I am forced to feel it all. The last feeling is still anger...before the dam is emptied..
Anger that I was robbed of the life that I was meant to have..that I had fought so hard to achieve..that I truly believe that I deserved. I know it sounds entitled and incredibly selfish...that it could be a lot worse...but I'm still angry..and I still feel betrayed.
I still feel that something or someone is "out to get me" To break me and I refuse to break. I cannot make the difference between being strong...and being hostile. In the attempts of "not being the victim", I attack . I see every comment or suggestion as a manipulation to get me to do something that I don't want to...
The last thoughts before the walls start coming back up are " I will not break, you cannot touch me, I am invincible, you are not allowed in here"...
First its a little spot in your head. You can't deal with it now because you need to function. So ... you put it to the side until you have "the time" to deal. You keep adding to that spot until it become a ball...and then bigger. When it gets a bit too big.. you put it in a drawer...and you close it. 1 drawer becomes 2 , then 4..and then multiplies until its a chest of drawers....then two chests...and four..and then what feels like a million later..your back is against it all pushing hard...while your feet start slipping.
All it takes is that one trigger. All you can do is brace yourself..stand still and let it play out like a flashback film. 10 years of memories railroad your brain like a freight train in less than 2 minutes.
It kills. It kills the dam, tears down all the walls and I am forced to feel it all. The last feeling is still anger...before the dam is emptied..
Anger that I was robbed of the life that I was meant to have..that I had fought so hard to achieve..that I truly believe that I deserved. I know it sounds entitled and incredibly selfish...that it could be a lot worse...but I'm still angry..and I still feel betrayed.
I still feel that something or someone is "out to get me" To break me and I refuse to break. I cannot make the difference between being strong...and being hostile. In the attempts of "not being the victim", I attack . I see every comment or suggestion as a manipulation to get me to do something that I don't want to...
The last thoughts before the walls start coming back up are " I will not break, you cannot touch me, I am invincible, you are not allowed in here"...
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