Death is Nothing at All

Death Is Nothing At All

Death is nothing at all.

I have only slipped away into the next room.

I am I, and you are you.

Whatever we were to each other,

That we are still.

Call me by my old familiar name,

Speak to me in the easy way you always used.

Put no difference into your tone,

Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.

Laugh as we always laughed

At the little jokes we always enjoyed together.

Play, smile, think of me, pray for me.

Let my name be ever the household word that it always was;

Let it be spoken without effort,

Without the ghost of a shadow in it.

Life means all that it ever meant;

It is the same as it ever was;

There is absolute unbroken continuity.

Why should I be out of mind

Because I am out of sight?

I am waiting for you, for an interval,

Somewhere very near,

Just around the corner.

All is well.

Nothing is past; nothing is lost.

One brief moment and all will be as it was before.

How we shall laugh at the trouble of parting when we meet again!

By Canon Henry Scott-Holland

Love (death) Letters

11th September 2016

My darling, there are so many words, so many things I want to tell you. I still ache...deeply. I still miss you, just as much. I'm still heart broken. I have had so much time and so many ways to distract myself from this pain. Keeping myself constantly busy - a way to perhaps run away from the pain which I can only describe as a broken heart which I don't know how to mend.

Feels like I've been split into two people; your wife....your widow still crying, still in pain, still in love with you. Still in disbelief that this is real. Still standing in that boat watching your ashes drifting away from me forever while my fingers are weaving through the ripples of the water. 

The other person, that I barely recognise, pushing through pretense that I am okay. That I have emerged stronger than before. Perhaps this is partly true..but I cannot begin to describe the constant inner battle that I face everyday. It feels like I'm fighting ...to the death ...for my life...to live and not just survive. Alive but dead inside. 

I miss that look , the warmth of those eyes. The look you gave me that told me everything you felt for me without uttering a single word. 

In constant uncertainty, all my answers to questions of "the future" is "I don't know". 

All I know is that I still love you so much my darling. 

16th August 2015

Guppy, my life ... My love ... I miss you more than words can say ... What I would give for one more kiss ... One more touch ..... One more I love you ....that one last look .... And one last dance in your arms ..... 

I don't know what is in store for me .... What the future holds ... I honestly don't think I care anymore ..... About the future .... It's a moot point without you .... 

Just be my guiding voice ... Protect me ....and lead me to where I'm meant to be .... 

11th June 2015

Dear Angel, I can't do this. I can't do this . come back now! please...or take me with you...whatever you want. I just want to be with you....please.

I love you forever my Guppy

21st April 2015

My guppy , my lolo, my everything ,

I need your help, your strength and your guidance more than yesterday and the last week . It seems that in the moments in between events I am left standing still , all alone .... Even if there are ppl around me ... . With all the love that is expressed and the support , I am still looking for you . With all the promised that I have made to you , I still want nothing more than to close my eyes and to be with you forever . Will I still be a part of your family ? After all this is over ? Will I still be called upon by them ? For now.. It feels like because you have been torn from me , that I will eventually be ..... Sidelined and left standing .... You are my world .... You are my life so  when you stopped spinning ... So did I ... So when your life ended . So did mine ... 

I need you I need you ... Come to me my angel come to me and never leave .... Please I beg you ... Come back to me ...

Your Numshim 

1 Year

True to form, I can now attest to the fact that I react a minimum of 24 to 48 hours after an incident.

This time however...it's a whole 5 days.

5 days ago was April 15th. It has been 1 year and 5 days since Felix, my husband, died. I remember having mixed feelings about this date. I was waiting for it, but dreading it at the same time. The entire week leading up to this point is sort of a blur. I remember getting very drunk at one point. I remember not being able to eat or sleep. I remember not being able to think straight.

On the Friday (April 15), There was an intimate non-formal memorial by the lake in Rolle, where we had scattered Felix's ashes. Then we had dinner at Felix's favourite Chinese resto in Nyon.

Again, I remember crying, I remember apologizing to him over and over again. I also remember feeling really hungry, tired and thirsty after I stopped crying. I slept for 14 hours all 3 days. I honestly thought..."That's it!, the hard part is done!"

I have a really funny feeling that this is not the case. It feels like I am right back there again. I feel sad, although it's sort of manageable. But again, I'm not hungry - in fact I'm sick to my stomach, I'm confused and overwhelmed all over again. I don't know what it is that I'm doing. And most frustratingly...I don't understand why I feel this way.

Why do I feel like my world is ending all over again? Like I am free falling into a never ending abyss of darkness. What's worse, it feels like it will never stop. I will always be lost and broken in someway.

I just want it to stop. so much. I really don't know how...except keep breathing.

The Moment it was All True

Up until this point  (April 17th 2015) ... It was all a mistake. They had gotten it mixed up with someone else.... It just couldn't be him .

I remember getting the call saying he was "ready" to be seen. My mother-in-law and  I rushed to the cemetery . In hindsight ... I'm not quite sure why we rushed. Why would anyone want to have their worst fear confirmed.... In such a way ? To see it? 

Maybe our minds do not accept unless we see. Maybe human nature does not allow for assumptions .... There cannot be any room for mistakes . 

I recognized the cemetery. I had been here before with Felix for the funeral of someone else . He too was young . I remember feeling sorry ... but not fully understanding their loss, the pain of losing their young son... In his 20s. 

We entered the mortuary and there was this distinct intense medicinal smell . Embalming fluid to mask the scent. There was a reception area and a board with numbers and names next to each number. Room 9 - Felix. Again, a part of my mind refused to believe it. 

I turned left and then came to room 9, his name was right there next to the door on the right - a small board like doctors' offices in a large hospital. I remember tracing his name with my fingers. I don't recall what I was feeling ... Probably denial.

And then I opened the door and switched on the light . They hadn't made a mistake . It looked like him .... But it wasn't... His cheeks weren't red, his lips weren't pink.

When I touched him, he wasn't warm . He had a bruise on his right temple. I think I cried ... I don't remember . 

It's the last image of him ... I don't know if I would change that part if I had the option to . Would I choose not to see him like that if it were possible ? I don't know. 

...It is always the first image I see when I wake up. Exery morning, from the 10 seconds it takes to come into consciousness, the last image is him inclined in his light wooden coffin, one hand on top of another over his abdomen. Like as if it's my mind's way of reminding me that this is not a dream.

It is real.

The "God / Faith" Thing...

I was never religious. I never believed in one true religion... Instead, I would pick and choose from the different religions and...believed in this.

Angels, Devil, Many Gods, reincarnation,

Felix didn't believe. He believed in science....and possibly Poseidon.

Now....I. don't know. When your whole belief system crumbles...only these three words are left..."I don't know" What the hell should I believe in?

"Everything happens for a reason?"...Really?! So explain...what is the reason for this?

"Timing is everything?" - Okay...again..was it simply his time to go? literally just pull his plug?

"Trust in God" - What trust?! Trust that what?.. if I have the audacity to stand still for a second or to think.."Wow, I am the luckiest wife in the world, I have an angel for a husband" that he was literally turned into one?! That at any moment, the rug can and WILL be pulled out from underneath me and I am just supposed to deal with the freefalling. Trust what exactly?!

Trust in something that you don't know...seems stupid and naive. But then again ... You can't "see" love ... You feel it ... It is there because one believes in it ... Much like the "higher power" theory ...

Or is it just a chemical change in your brain ...?

The Anxiety Thing

Anxiety...
There is no coherent thought when I experience the attack. It is an assault-mentally and physically. Every fear and insecurity I could possibly harbour shoots through the surface of the calm composure that I am trying in vain to maintain with an intensity that leaves me breathless.

Sometimes its visible, but most of the time it is masked. The frequency of these "melt downs" has taught me how to hide it. Anyone who has ever gone through an anxiety attack knows the symptoms. They do, of course, vary a little from person to person. For me, it starts as a knot in my stomach. This causes me to lose my appetite . It keeps getting bigger until I can barely breathe. I lose all concentration . When it hits (which could take seconds, minutes or days - there is no time limit), my entire body contracts from the build up of energy...I literally feel like I'm about to explode into a million pieces which will never be a put back together.

And then it happens.

Shortness of breath, blurry vision, nausea, tight chest, dry mouth. These are the effects of the explosion that happens inside . The longer it takes for the anxiety to come out, the more intense the outburst. 

I have tried to stop it, I have tried to control it. I have tried to suppress it. Let me tell you...it is pointless. I have learned the hard way that it needs to come out. The sooner, the better. Voicing all those fears, your most crippling insecurities allows you not only to face yourself but is a step in accepting that you are not perfect. That you cannot be in control of everything, and most importantly...that it is okay. You don't need to tell anyone. I have simply just sat down in a private place and voiced them out loud to myself. 

When it has passed, I  realise that these thoughts are usually a creation of my idle mind or more often because I refuse to admit something to myself. I refuse to be vulnerable. I am irritated with myself for being hyper-sensitive.

What Is "Love"?

I couldn't have said it better....

"Love is more easily experienced than defined. As a theological virtue, by which we love God above all things and our neighbours as ourselves for his sake, it seems remote until we encounter it enfleshed, so to say, in the life of another – in acts of kindness, generosity and self-sacrifice. Love's the one thing that can never hurt anyone, although it may cost dearly. The paradox of love is that it is supremely free yet attaches us with bonds stronger than death. It cannot be bought or sold; there is nothing it cannot face; love is life's greatest blessing."

Felix was all of these things...so by definition "Love" is "Felix". .....was "Felix".

If love is Felix and Felix is no longer here...it means I don't have love anymore.

I am very much aware that my ability to love did not come from him. However, my ability to love deeply and freely came from him. This is the way he loved me and therefore taught me how to love. It was unselflish, unconditional, free but still in someway, consuming.

I didn't notice how wrapped up I was in his love until he was gone. My fear is that I will never have this again. Knowing that it is impossible simply because there was only one Felix and therefore his love was unique, tears me to pieces.

Today my sister asked me to define "What is Love". The only answer I have for her is "Felix". I am not so sure that I will ever be able to define it in another way. I don't know whether I have fallen out of love with Felix...I don't even know if it is possible. I know that I will always love him....deeply...but I know that I cannot remain in love with him forever.

I need to be able to define love differently and it cannot be Felix....atleast not all of it.