Love (death) Letters

11th September 2016

My darling, there are so many words, so many things I want to tell you. I still ache...deeply. I still miss you, just as much. I'm still heart broken. I have had so much time and so many ways to distract myself from this pain. Keeping myself constantly busy - a way to perhaps run away from the pain which I can only describe as a broken heart which I don't know how to mend.

Feels like I've been split into two people; your wife....your widow still crying, still in pain, still in love with you. Still in disbelief that this is real. Still standing in that boat watching your ashes drifting away from me forever while my fingers are weaving through the ripples of the water. 

The other person, that I barely recognise, pushing through pretense that I am okay. That I have emerged stronger than before. Perhaps this is partly true..but I cannot begin to describe the constant inner battle that I face everyday. It feels like I'm fighting ...to the death ...for my life...to live and not just survive. Alive but dead inside. 

I miss that look , the warmth of those eyes. The look you gave me that told me everything you felt for me without uttering a single word. 

In constant uncertainty, all my answers to questions of "the future" is "I don't know". 

All I know is that I still love you so much my darling. 

16th August 2015

Guppy, my life ... My love ... I miss you more than words can say ... What I would give for one more kiss ... One more touch ..... One more I love you ....that one last look .... And one last dance in your arms ..... 

I don't know what is in store for me .... What the future holds ... I honestly don't think I care anymore ..... About the future .... It's a moot point without you .... 

Just be my guiding voice ... Protect me ....and lead me to where I'm meant to be .... 

11th June 2015

Dear Angel, I can't do this. I can't do this . come back now! please...or take me with you...whatever you want. I just want to be with you....please.

I love you forever my Guppy

21st April 2015

My guppy , my lolo, my everything ,

I need your help, your strength and your guidance more than yesterday and the last week . It seems that in the moments in between events I am left standing still , all alone .... Even if there are ppl around me ... . With all the love that is expressed and the support , I am still looking for you . With all the promised that I have made to you , I still want nothing more than to close my eyes and to be with you forever . Will I still be a part of your family ? After all this is over ? Will I still be called upon by them ? For now.. It feels like because you have been torn from me , that I will eventually be ..... Sidelined and left standing .... You are my world .... You are my life so  when you stopped spinning ... So did I ... So when your life ended . So did mine ... 

I need you I need you ... Come to me my angel come to me and never leave .... Please I beg you ... Come back to me ...

Your Numshim