The Moment it was All True

Up until this point  (April 17th 2015) ... It was all a mistake. They had gotten it mixed up with someone else.... It just couldn't be him .

I remember getting the call saying he was "ready" to be seen. My mother-in-law and  I rushed to the cemetery . In hindsight ... I'm not quite sure why we rushed. Why would anyone want to have their worst fear confirmed.... In such a way ? To see it? 

Maybe our minds do not accept unless we see. Maybe human nature does not allow for assumptions .... There cannot be any room for mistakes . 

I recognized the cemetery. I had been here before with Felix for the funeral of someone else . He too was young . I remember feeling sorry ... but not fully understanding their loss, the pain of losing their young son... In his 20s. 

We entered the mortuary and there was this distinct intense medicinal smell . Embalming fluid to mask the scent. There was a reception area and a board with numbers and names next to each number. Room 9 - Felix. Again, a part of my mind refused to believe it. 

I turned left and then came to room 9, his name was right there next to the door on the right - a small board like doctors' offices in a large hospital. I remember tracing his name with my fingers. I don't recall what I was feeling ... Probably denial.

And then I opened the door and switched on the light . They hadn't made a mistake . It looked like him .... But it wasn't... His cheeks weren't red, his lips weren't pink.

When I touched him, he wasn't warm . He had a bruise on his right temple. I think I cried ... I don't remember . 

It's the last image of him ... I don't know if I would change that part if I had the option to . Would I choose not to see him like that if it were possible ? I don't know. 

...It is always the first image I see when I wake up. Exery morning, from the 10 seconds it takes to come into consciousness, the last image is him inclined in his light wooden coffin, one hand on top of another over his abdomen. Like as if it's my mind's way of reminding me that this is not a dream.

It is real.

The "God / Faith" Thing...

I was never religious. I never believed in one true religion... Instead, I would pick and choose from the different religions and...believed in this.

Angels, Devil, Many Gods, reincarnation,

Felix didn't believe. He believed in science....and possibly Poseidon.

Now....I. don't know. When your whole belief system crumbles...only these three words are left..."I don't know" What the hell should I believe in?

"Everything happens for a reason?"...Really?! So explain...what is the reason for this?

"Timing is everything?" - Okay...again..was it simply his time to go? literally just pull his plug?

"Trust in God" - What trust?! Trust that what?.. if I have the audacity to stand still for a second or to think.."Wow, I am the luckiest wife in the world, I have an angel for a husband" that he was literally turned into one?! That at any moment, the rug can and WILL be pulled out from underneath me and I am just supposed to deal with the freefalling. Trust what exactly?!

Trust in something that you don't know...seems stupid and naive. But then again ... You can't "see" love ... You feel it ... It is there because one believes in it ... Much like the "higher power" theory ...

Or is it just a chemical change in your brain ...?

The Anxiety Thing

Anxiety...
There is no coherent thought when I experience the attack. It is an assault-mentally and physically. Every fear and insecurity I could possibly harbour shoots through the surface of the calm composure that I am trying in vain to maintain with an intensity that leaves me breathless.

Sometimes its visible, but most of the time it is masked. The frequency of these "melt downs" has taught me how to hide it. Anyone who has ever gone through an anxiety attack knows the symptoms. They do, of course, vary a little from person to person. For me, it starts as a knot in my stomach. This causes me to lose my appetite . It keeps getting bigger until I can barely breathe. I lose all concentration . When it hits (which could take seconds, minutes or days - there is no time limit), my entire body contracts from the build up of energy...I literally feel like I'm about to explode into a million pieces which will never be a put back together.

And then it happens.

Shortness of breath, blurry vision, nausea, tight chest, dry mouth. These are the effects of the explosion that happens inside . The longer it takes for the anxiety to come out, the more intense the outburst. 

I have tried to stop it, I have tried to control it. I have tried to suppress it. Let me tell you...it is pointless. I have learned the hard way that it needs to come out. The sooner, the better. Voicing all those fears, your most crippling insecurities allows you not only to face yourself but is a step in accepting that you are not perfect. That you cannot be in control of everything, and most importantly...that it is okay. You don't need to tell anyone. I have simply just sat down in a private place and voiced them out loud to myself. 

When it has passed, I  realise that these thoughts are usually a creation of my idle mind or more often because I refuse to admit something to myself. I refuse to be vulnerable. I am irritated with myself for being hyper-sensitive.

What Is "Love"?

I couldn't have said it better....

"Love is more easily experienced than defined. As a theological virtue, by which we love God above all things and our neighbours as ourselves for his sake, it seems remote until we encounter it enfleshed, so to say, in the life of another – in acts of kindness, generosity and self-sacrifice. Love's the one thing that can never hurt anyone, although it may cost dearly. The paradox of love is that it is supremely free yet attaches us with bonds stronger than death. It cannot be bought or sold; there is nothing it cannot face; love is life's greatest blessing."

Felix was all of these things...so by definition "Love" is "Felix". .....was "Felix".

If love is Felix and Felix is no longer here...it means I don't have love anymore.

I am very much aware that my ability to love did not come from him. However, my ability to love deeply and freely came from him. This is the way he loved me and therefore taught me how to love. It was unselflish, unconditional, free but still in someway, consuming.

I didn't notice how wrapped up I was in his love until he was gone. My fear is that I will never have this again. Knowing that it is impossible simply because there was only one Felix and therefore his love was unique, tears me to pieces.

Today my sister asked me to define "What is Love". The only answer I have for her is "Felix". I am not so sure that I will ever be able to define it in another way. I don't know whether I have fallen out of love with Felix...I don't even know if it is possible. I know that I will always love him....deeply...but I know that I cannot remain in love with him forever.

I need to be able to define love differently and it cannot be Felix....atleast not all of it.