The Mental Onslaught...

Sometimes, there is so much going on in my head that I really don't know where to start.. This is one of those times.

I'm sitting here , I have about a billion things to do, I know it's piling up...but because of where my head is at (wherever that may be) I am completely paralysed. I can't think straight. A million "breathe ins and breathe outs " simply isn't doing the trick. I think I need to write per topic..

1 - The Identity Crisis

Who am I. I used to be able to answer this question with such ease. I can answer Who WAS I...but not who AM I. Logically...this is probably the biggest issue. Not knowing you ARE in the present creates a bucket load of self esteem issues. The lack of self-esteem will seep into everything...as much as you want it not to.

The problem is...I didn't realise that I was identifying myself according to how other's viewed me.... I WAS..an amazing wife. I WAS a good daughter in law. I am trying to be a good daughter, a good sister, a good friend. These are the labels that I have identified with...

At the core...I am first N...right now I have absolutely no Idea what this means. Am I still funny?, Am I still confident (seriously wavering on this one)? Am I still sexy?  Am I still rebellious, passionate, strong headed? I have so many doubts as to what makes me ...me. The only thing I do know....is that I'm confused..all the time.

I have been so used to taking control and "making things happen" and "getting the job done" that I don't know how to let go anymore. Another identity....the control freak..

At least what happened should have taught me that I actually have no control. In the end...I am powerless. The only control I do have is over my own actions, my own body and my own mind. Lately though...my mind has taken control over me.

The Void

Losing Felix was / is devastating...this is obvious. I miss him..this is also obvious. More than missing him (the physical self) I miss what we had. He, in the physical sense, is now irrelevant. What we had is what I miss..and is probably what I am craving for.

 -  The trust - not just loyalty..but the trust that when I jump, he jumped in with me. When I got angry, or went off in a huff..or exploded - he didn't bail. He reassured me. When he said "he will do that", he followed through. 

 - The no judgement - I could do or say anything I wanted to and he never used it against me. He never judged me for it. Even if I was wrong sometimes...he would still be on my side.

 - The unconditional love - The "ends of the earth" thing...

 - The intimacy - Not the sex thing...but the touch, hugs, cuddles, holding my hand...saying "I love you"..hearing "I love you" SHOWING "I love you". The kiss on my forehead when I'm sleeping to try and wake me up.

 - The Security - emotional, physical

 - Walk of life - The one who would walk with you side by side through life. through anything with you.

 - Friendship - I miss having a best friend...I miss my best friend. This is it...this is where the pain becomes unbearable...I miss my best friend . It's not the same as a girlfriend. I cannot describe this bond...

The Abandonment -  Speaks for itself

The alone thing  - I suck at it. Will I be alone forever...because quite literally...its what it feels like.

The lack of control - when the hell did I become such a control freak? WHEN?! I was so not like this before....quite carefree and "it'll sort out one way or another"...I want to be this way again.

The "last link" pressure - Being the last "true" link to Felix in terms of who he was as a person...is just too much pressure. Telling me that I need to be "Felix and NCK" to my people...telling me that I am now their "son" and "daughter"....NO ...JUST NO NO NO NO NO. All I want to do when I hear that...IS RUN THE OTHER WAY. The instant shutdown begins.

The need to restart (disappear). I have used the word "restart" and system default factory settings, closing the book. All if which require finality first. I really wish there was a simple button you could hit...