The Danger Thing...

This is a difficult one to explain...

I can't stop shivering sometimes...but not visibly... just...inside. You know where the butterflies come when you are in love? The same thing happens...but it feels like being cold on the inside.

"Fight or flight I guess..." So far I am fighting..EVERY DAMN DAY with the side of me that says..oh just book a flight..and go..

where? - WHEREVER no one knows me.

And then? - And then we'll see.

It feels like I am constantly in danger. I'm looking over my shoulder. I keep taking deep breaths (this has become a normal part of my day...deep breaths all the time)

I can't sit still except for work...or when I'm writing. I have nothing to do - I need to move...to do something..ANYTHING.

I don't want to come "home". I don't feel like I have a home anymore. It is ...shelter....with internet.

Then I read..I read and read and read about how much worse it could be.

I could have been in a warzone. I could be a refugee grieving for Felix. So many husbands have been lost like this.

And then the danger +  guilt kicks in. Guilt for feeling angry for not feeling grateful that I still have all of this .

The knowledge that "it could be a lot worse" is seriously the most depressing thing to realise.

I don't have the right to feel this way do I?

No pain is ever the same as another..even if it is the "sameish situation"...My pain will never be the same as another woman or man who has gone through the same thing.

I just can't stop feeling like I need to "escape".....