It is difficult to know where to start with this one. Lately, I have been angry ... All the time. Apparently it isn't "normal" to still be angry after this long (9 months or so). I just ignore such comments.
It's always just below the surface ... Sometimes it's buried just enough to allow some sort of ... happiness to come through . But generally the anger is just below the surface .... Ready to come out with one trigger, one wrong move, one comment. And then it comes out in one of two ways ... Either it's the slow bubble-over where it usually takes me 24-48 hours to react (yes I have timed it). This is a bit difficult to handle as most ppl forget or don't understand why I'm reacting so late ...
Then there is the other one ... Seething, silent rage .
Rage is ... Fun.
I can handle the rage part of anger ... It gives energy ... So much energy.... I can't actually sit still . The problem with this kind of anger is that I have space only for this ... I can't, neither want to let go of any of it because
a) there is no space for anything else (that would require letting go of some of it) and
b) it acts as my shield.
I literally picture iron walls armoured with chains coming up around me . Layers and layers of it . The angrier I get the more energy I have, the more power I have not to feel anything except that . And when enough has been stored in my "bank", I calm down ...and become extremely rational ..... To the point of making decisions that serve one purpose only. Myself. The "not caring" kicks in hard .... "Rattling the cage" is a direct consequence of that ......apparently it's my false sense of invincibility ......
Rage is ... Fun.
I can handle the rage part of anger ... It gives energy ... So much energy.... I can't actually sit still . The problem with this kind of anger is that I have space only for this ... I can't, neither want to let go of any of it because
a) there is no space for anything else (that would require letting go of some of it) and
b) it acts as my shield.
I literally picture iron walls armoured with chains coming up around me . Layers and layers of it . The angrier I get the more energy I have, the more power I have not to feel anything except that . And when enough has been stored in my "bank", I calm down ...and become extremely rational ..... To the point of making decisions that serve one purpose only. Myself. The "not caring" kicks in hard .... "Rattling the cage" is a direct consequence of that ......apparently it's my false sense of invincibility ......
Till the trigger ..... And then no more silence.
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